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♫ letters to Ace.
December 22nd
Truthfully, I'm not sure of what to write. I heard that a way of organizing one's thoughts was to write them down on paper, but it feel as if it would accomplish little in the end.
However, that does not mean I won't try. What happened tonight is difficult to explain, but I will try my best.
To begin with—I care for you, and I always will. I never anticipated our friendship would take the turn it did tonight, if it indeed has. I am aware that I miss those evenings we spent together. I hadn't thought too deeply about "why" until now.
I asked what you wanted, because maybe I could know how to answer what I wanted. That was unfair of me.
You made it clear that you would never force me into anything. Part of me expected that answer, because that is the person you are. But it didn't help me sort out my feelings.
( Another page is tucked hastily beneath the previous one, the ink implying that there are some areas where Tear had kept her quill to the paper too long. )
As you may have figured out by now, there is someone else, the "last time" Sein mentioned. He is a person from my world. He had been through a lot, and in that time had found someone else to hold on to. I don't begrudge him that.
I'm sure it makes me selfish still. I felt as if somewhere he felt the same as I did. Or had. That feeling was even stronger when he went into crystal stasis last month, and a new "him" came.
That person is exactly as I remember him. In all this time, I have never said anything to him about how I feel, and intended to stay silent. With his return, I started doubting myself.
It's only fair that you know this, and I'm sorry.
( There is another line beneath it, scratched through a few too many times. )
Is this something he should know? Why would it matter?
December 31st
Tonight is when we agreed to meet aboard the Enterprise. I do feel anxious, however I also look forward to spending time with you.
I don't have an answer in regards to what we discussed little over a week ago, but maybe...
( Further down, another line is added. )
Thank you for being honest with me.
( This letter appears similar to all the others before it, except for the last line that seems to be written a little more shakily than the rest. )
January 2nd
I know we agreed to live without regrets, and I have none when it comes to New Year or having spent time with you at all.
Now you are in stasis, and I wish we had had more time together.
January 3rd
Suzaku is a very enthusiastic Chocobo.
January 6th
Before, I would visit the hospital to check on the people of my world who are in stasis there. Since the year began, I have gone nearly every day. The person I want to see wake the most is you.
January 8th
He hasn't said anything, but I'm certain Minato is worried, too.
January 10th
For all intents and purposes, I hadn't meant to yank on Suzaku's plumage.
I'll have to dress more appropriately when I go to the ranch tomorrow.
January 11th
One thing I haven't expected in taking care of Suzaku is how much he helps as someone to talk to.
Sometimes he seems to respond, be it in his language or actions. Unfortunately, I'm not adept in interpreting the former unless it involves pushing me.
Hana happened to come by once and heard us. She doesn't seem fond of the ranch at all. I'm sure they both miss you dearly.
January 12th
I want to believe that you will wake up. Last night I had the thought that maybe you wouldn't.
I want you to wake up someday.
January 13th
Tomorrow, I will be travelling to Mysidia to speak with the Sage alongside several others, and then joining an expedition investigating the Crystal Forest afterward. It is my hope that we will learn something that would help us in combating the Calamity.
I've entrusted Minato with Suzaku's care while I am absent, since it will be a long trip. He seemed nervous, I wonder why? They're very affectionate creatures.
If you wake up while I'm gone
I would prefer being there to greet you, but I would be glad for your return at all.
I miss you.
( The following letter was clearly written by an unsteady hand, some of the characters written so hastily they border on illegible when coupled with the shaky quality of the overall ink flow. )
January 15th
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I couldn't do anything for you, for your world.
You love that world, don't you?
I chose the wrong path. I might still choose the wrong path.
But that was the kindest path that would still guarantee a future.
What am I saying?
If the future can still be
I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry.
January 17th
There are several on this expedition who also received knowledge from the Sage, and acted accordingly in the vision we shared.
The tension is palpable. Their caution is justified.
January 19th
The Crystal Tree was beautiful in the future as it is now.
( Compared to the steady writing of most of the previous letters, this one is written rather lightly, as if she had hesitated to commit it to paper. )
January 20th
Do you love Ace?
January 21st
Out of everything I witnessed in the vision, there was only one thing among them that gave me any reassurance.
Putting it together with those words is selfish of me.
In that future, we were together. We were still partners. Knowing that makes me uneasy. In my world, people marry whomever the Score dictates they do, disregarding any relationship a person might already be in. Part of my final mission, and the responsibility of my family, was to ultimately overturn the Score.
Therefore, I cannot act or abide by that future, not if I don't want to prevent the events of then from coming to fruition.
Even if I did, there is no promise that we would be together in such a way. If it came down to choosing one of the other
I will cherish those few days we had in that future. I will cherish what time we did have.I still want to see you again.
January 24th
I haven't been fair to you. There are those who might question my mental well-being for continuing to write these thoughts about you, and meanwhile I question myself for not telling you any of it.
When Terra asked that question the other day, the only answer that came to me was that I didn't know. She seems to have more faith than I do that you'll wake up, because she suggested talking to you when you did.
She also took my reaction to mean that I don't have any feelings.
I do.
January 26th
Our expedition will be over come tomorrow, and we will be returning to Aqures Ixen as we are able. For me, that won't be until the second of the coming month. I will take the time to organize what information I found. I expect there will be many questions when I return.
Even if there are not, there are people I want to speak to. Having discussed it with a few others who took the same turn I had in that vision, I know for a fact that we want to avert what we saw, whatever it takes.
Maybe the time will come to speak with you about everything that has happened, and if it does I would like to think I'd be prepared.
January 29th
I nearly got pulled into the same karaoke center we went to before, the three of us. They might have recognised me.
Unfortunately, a group of bangaa began causing trouble when one of them got a particularly bad score. I left too quickly to know for sure, but someone may have thrown a machine.
February 1st
Tonight is my last night in Mysidia, meaning I will have to face everything I prepared for when I arrive in Aqures Ixen tomorrow.
Tomorrow also marks a month since you went into stasis, and it's been only a little bit longer than that since I started writing these letters. Looking them over, I'm not sure how well they fulfilled their original purpose. I hadn't expected to write all these things, or have these exchanges with others, or even so many.
I'm not even sure of what to do with them.
I know I wrote earlier that I wouldn't act on what I saw of us together in that vision, and I still won't. But the words I said to you then, the ones that brought us together, are ones I can relate to now.
That might be acting too hastily, and thinking too far ahead about something that likely won't even happen if we avert that vision. I know that the person of that future was more confident than I am right now, and you deserve that unclouded confidence and certainty.
The first goal will be to check on Suzaku. I have faith in Minato's capabilities, but it has been a while since I saw them both. I don't want either of them to think I've left.
( Despite the thick lines of ink on the lightly crumpled paper, hints of her trembling hand had still managed to make into the four words. )
February 2ndLuke is gone again.
February 3rd
I honestly wasn't expecting to see you at the airship port yesterday. I know my reaction confused you, and worse yet I didn't explain anything. It wasn't how I wanted to greet you. For all I thought I was prepared for the possibility, I wasn't.
Honestly, I would have liked it if you had stayed. It's more than simply being out of stasis—you're here, and it feels like it's been so long since I last saw you. Two years. That was how long the vision showed us, and that was what it felt like.Would it still be a first kiss if we haven't
None of this will make any sense until I explain, and I promise I will. When we're back at each other's sides, like we were before. I'll tell you everything then, and will accept whatever judgement you come to after hearing it. Know that I don't ever want to become someone who holds you back.
Please, just come back safely.
( This particular letter went as far as being folded into its own individual envelope, showing how close she had come to actually sending it. )
February 5th
You've probably heard by now, but Jade is organizing an expedition to visit the tower in Mysidia. I'll be helping him however I can, as we've worked together a number of times before and know how the other thinks well enough.
Am I wrong to assume you'll be coming? If you do, please take the time to rest. You're going to overexert yourself at this rate.
If I have to carry you at any point, that might lead to a great deal of unnecessary questions.
February 7th
As promised, I will tell you everything you want and need to know when you arrive this afternoon. Given its nature, I don't know what it would do to our relationship. If you think less of me, I wouldn't blame you.
If you choose to put distance between us, you have every right and reason. But
I'm afraid of going down that path again.
( Though technically added on the next morning... )
A date? How did any of what we discussed last night result in asking for a date?
And I know it happened given the position we woke up in.
But a date?
I hope you don't mind terribly that I will be bringing Rem with me.
February 9th
I feel as if I can't say it enough – thank you so much for Rem. She may have no place travelling with us, but I am grateful for her presence. She has helped more than I can begin to explain.
I still question why you chose me to raise her, but I promise to do my best.
As I said, I will need your help. Maybe I can figure out how to do this on my own, but knowing I have your support is worth so much.
February 10th
She bit Sein's ear today, and he became rather loud for a few moments. I hadn't known him to be capable of raising his voice so high.
He also said it was similar to when his sisters were young, but they pulled his pom-pom instead.
Thankfully, he didn't bleed too much.
February 12th
Is it wrong to still think the Calamity is beautiful?
I felt something similar when I visited my homeland for the first time.
It is beautiful, but it shouldn't be.
February 13th
Tomorrow is it. Looking over what has been written again, and taking the time to think it over, I understand that my thoughts and feelings are in disarray.
So it would be best to start again, from the beginning.
I know it was my question that set all of this in motion. Maybe you had never even considered the possibility, I know I hadn't. It seems almost ridiculous that this was all caused by one small plant and superstition, but putting all the blame on it is incorrect. Those nights together brought us closer, of that I have no doubt. There was more to it than just those nights.
Many things have happened in the months that have passed since we first met. You have already saved my life, Ace. I am indebted to you for that. As I mentioned before, I don't want to be a burden to anyone, least of all to you, but even with everything you have done for me, it hardly feels that way.
I hope that somehow I have done the same for you, however small. Even if it was just through those songs, I hope to have helped you somehow.
We have come a long way since the day you answered my offer, even from that night on the Enterprise. I was upset about you keeping the secret about reading my file, although not for the reasons you might suspect. I will tell you everything in it someday.
What worried me was that you might have read about that particular person, and that you might believe that I still felt the same. The truth is, part of me does. Any person could have read that file and they would know.
You knowing about that would mean more to me than it would if it were anyone else. That was perhaps when I knew what I wanted your answer to be. What I wanted it to become. What I hoped you knew somehow when you went into stasis, as much as I may have tried to keep that wish a secret.
I've experienced these feelings before, toward another person. That is how I know what it all means, and what I want to tell you someday. It's stronger than those feelings, and that much more frightening because of it. I don't want to lose you to these feelings. I want you to be happy, Ace, more than anyone else. I want to see you smile with that light in your eyes, again and again, and be there to hear you laugh. I want to hear about that world you love, and learn more about this one we share together with you.
Maybe I do take things too literally, and that's why I hope that this all means what I think it does. We'll know tomorrow.
February 14th
I won't pretend to not know that our time here is limited, that we aren't promised every day together. There are forces working against that, from the Calamity progressing to something as mundane as randomized results.
So let me make it clear what numbers can't.
You mean so much to me. We have shared so many things, so many emotions, things that I still hesitate to show others. You make it easier to be myself. Though we are both inexperienced with much beyond our training as soldiers, I'm glad to be learning it with you.
I want to be by your side, always. I want to become stronger to protect all of this, and your faith gives me that strength to defy what I saw in that vision.
I'm glad to have met you. That day, before you asked, you said that every world has its light you don't want to forget. For me, I know who that light is.
I want you to know that for however long it lasts – I want to be with you to the very end of it.
I love you, Ace.
I'll be with you soon.
March 1st
With everything that happened within the past day, to all those people, I feel that I must say this before it's too late. Yet even now, I can still only write it rather than say it to you, when I can simply call you over or even go to you myself. But I didn't want anyone to see me like this. Not yet.
I know I don't always make myself clear with these things, that sometimes I step back too quickly and make things confusing and difficult with it.
The circumstances that brought us into this world are hardly ideal, and every time we discover something new it only casts more doubt and questions. But Ace—
I have no regrets in meeting and falling in love with you. My words and actions might make it seem that way at times, but when it comes down to